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  • Ways Moving Out Can Affect The Outcome Of Your Divorce

    Key Takeaways:

    • It’s best to have temporary court orders in place before you go. Without them, what you do now can set precedents that can last for years.
    • Child Custody Claims: Courts try not to drastically change a child’s schedule. The less time you spend with them now, the less likely it is to change after finalizing the divorce.
    • Property Division: Moving out of a home with your name on the title may affect your claim to it down the road. 
    • Bills: Even if you move out, the bills remain. You’ll also have new bills at your new residence. The court may assume paying for both is financially viable, so you might be ordered to continue that financial support.
    • Spousal Support: That financial precedent can also lead to higher spousal support payments if they’re ordered.
    • Loss of Access to Belongings: Losing access to your possessions and important documents.

    Should you move out during a divorce? This question comes up all the time, and the answer isn’t as obvious as most people expect.

    By the time you finally decide to divorce, most couples live apart. That’s just how it usually goes. Especially in high-conflict situations, it seems like a natural choice. After all, if all you do is bicker, this eliminates strife, stress, and frustration.

    How Can Moving Out During a Divorce Negatively Affect You?

    Moving out probably looks like a no-brainer, right? Not so fast. There’s more to consider than you might expect.

    In reality, moving out of a shared home can negatively impact your divorce in various ways.

    Ways Moving Out Can Affect Your Divorce

    From child custody to the division of property, it’s important to know what you’re in for. You may feel like you absolutely have to get out, especially if your safety is in jeopardy, but you should still know the possible consequences if you jump ship too soon.

    You Can Damage Your Child Custody Claim

    One of the most significant ways moving out can affect your divorce is in child custody. If you move out, you won’t spend as much time with your kids. Not only can this harm your relationship, but it can also damage your custody claims.

    Kids pick up on tensions at home, and no children want to watch their parents fight. Maybe moving out helps alleviate this. In the short term, that’s often the effect. Down the road, however, it may hurt your chances of getting custody.

    For the most part, courts try not to drastically change a child’s schedule or living situation if possible. This includes radically altering parenting time. The less time you spend with them now, the less likely that is to change much after finalizing the divorce.

    One option, if you do move out, is to have a parenting plan or custody arrangement already in place. This protects the time you have with your children. It’s also important to make use of the opportunities you do have with them. Make them the priority and maintain a major, active presence in their life.

    This shows the court you have an earnest interest in being a parent. The more involved you stay in regular, daily activities, the more likely that will endure following a divorce.

    Related Reading: Special Needs, Divorce, and Child Custody

    Affect On Your Finances and Property Division

    Another way moving out may significantly impact your divorce is financially, and with the division of property.

    It’s expensive to set up a new home. You need furniture, there’s rent, and maybe you haven’t bought silverware in a while. Then there’s the fact that you often have to pay all the bills from a single paycheck for the first time in years. That’s not cheap.

    It’s important to understand that the actions you take now can set a financial prescedent that you may be expected to continue after your divorce is final.

    For example, if you pay bills in both homes, you might be ordered to continue that financial support.

    In most cases, houses are the biggest things you buy in your lifetime. It’s likely the most valuable thing you own. Because of this, it’s also the most substantial piece on the table when it comes to splitting up assets.

    When you move out of a home with your name on the title, it may weaken your claim. Ultimate ownership is difficult to determine if there’s an argument over who the court should award it to.

    Related Reading: Common Mistakes Men Make In Divorce

    Lack Of Access To Paperwork

    People also often neglect paperwork when moving out of a shared home. Divorce requires all kinds of records:

      • Bank statements.
      • Credit histories.
      • Loan documents.
      • Life insurance policies.
      • Retirement papers.
      • Other financial documents.

    It’s important you don’t move out and leave them behind, but many people do. They’re easy to overlook and probably not your main concern in the moment. And while we do so much online now, you may still receive paper statements at home.

    Collect what you need, change addresses and contact information when necessary, and ensure you retain access to the important papers.

    Much like access to paperwork, moving out also impacts access to other possessions. It’s one thing if you pack up everything you own when you hit the road. But if you don’t, it’s often hard to get back into the house. If things are bad, it’s not unheard of for an ex to damage or get rid of items you left behind.

    Related Reading: How A Major Purchase Can Impact Your Divorce

    Moving Out Can Affect Spousal Support Payments

    When you move out, the bills stay behind. In some cases, temporary orders compel you to continue paying during the divorce. It’s common to have to cover your share month to month, even if you live elsewhere. This also often sets a negative precedent regarding spousal support.

    The court may presume that the amount you pay is financially viable and order you to continue to pay that amount, or something similar. A temporary situation may very well become permanent and sap your finances for years.

    While you crash with friends or relatives, you may inadvertently prove to the court how much your ex needs and how much you can afford, whether that’s accurate or not.

    On occasion, moving out can set a positive precedent for spousal support. If your ex steps up and manages the finances and home maintenance alone, it may indicate less need and lead to smaller payments. It is a risk, however. In addition, paying much less in monthly support can help in future proceedings.

    Related Reading: When to Hire a Divorce Attorney?

    Should You Move Out?

    None of this is to say you can’t move out during a divorce. You may need to, especially if a living situation becomes unsafe. It should be noted, though, that outside of a movie plot, you cannot be kicked out of your home without a court order.

    But in general, unless the court specifically orders you to, or it’s a safety issue, we don’t recommend vacating until temporary orders are in place.

    As long as it’s safe, we strongly urge you to stay at least until you consult an attorney. Since it can have such a huge impact, it’s important to know the consequences of your actions. An experienced professional can help determine a strategy that best protects your interests.

    Related Reading: How is A Business Divided During A Divorce? Can You Protect It?

  • Can You Get a Divorce If You Can’t Find Your Spouse?

    Key Takeaways:

    • Yes, you can get a divorce even if you can’t find your spouse, though there are additional steps and complications.
    • The process begins by filling out and filing the appropriate forms.
    • You must demonstrate to the court that you made a serious, good-faith effort to locate your spouse. They will need to see documentation proving you put in the legwork.
    • If you fail to track down your spouse, the court allows service by alternate means, including service by publication, service by posting, or service by mail.
    • Once you exhaust all avenues, you can apply for a default judgment that will finalize your divorce.

    Oregon, like most states in the union, practices no-fault divorce. These laws exist so no one is forced to remain married if they don’t want to. This includes cases where you can’t find your spouse. 

    This situation comes up more often than you may think. However, the good news is that you can still get a divorce even if your spouse has dropped off the face of the Earth.

    Not being able to locate your spouse does, understandably, present new obstacles, but there is a path to end your marriage.

    How Can You Divorce When You Can’t Find Your Spouse?

    All divorces are different. How it goes depends entirely on the specifics of your marriage and relationship.

    However, they all start in the same place. This is true whether you and your spouse still live together or they’ve completely vanished from your life. Down the road, the process may become more complicated, but it still begins with the most basic first step.

    Start The Divorce Process

    Like with any other divorce, you need to get the process started.

    First, obtain the appropriate forms, fill them out, and file them with the proper court. You also have a few fees to pay along the way.

    If you can’t find your spouse, the next step is where things get tricky. But for all intents and purposes, the initial move is the same. Get the ball rolling, and go forward from there.

    Attempt to Locate Your Spouse

    The next step to divorce is usually serving your soon-to-be-ex and declaring your intention to dissolve your marriage. Again, this gets tricky when they’re nowhere to be found.

    Before you can move on to the next stage, you have to do the legwork and put in a good-faith effort to locate them.

    The court requires proof of a “diligent search,” so make sure to document the work you put in every step of the way.

    Track who you call, where you search, and any other actions you take.

    The good news is, you have plenty of resources and search tools at your disposal in your quest to track down your spouse.

    • Check their last known address and the most recent employer. Even if they’re not there anymore, landlords or bosses may have an idea where they went.
    • If you still have contact information for family or friends, that’s another place to look.
    • Technology is a valuable ally. Online tools and resources often deliver results, and new ones emerge every day. In some instances, a cursory internet search may provide clues, places to check, or even the jackpot.
    • Dig into phone listings in the area where you know they lived.
    • Examine various databases, public court records, and even the Federal Bureau of Prisons.
    • Look at the DMV, military records, and the Social Security Death Index.
    • Hire a private investigator. What may take you some time may be routine for an experienced professional. They also often have access to databases and resources that the average person doesn’t.

    If you hired a lawyer to represent you, they should be able to help if you can’t find your spouse. If nothing else, they will have suggestions of where to start.

    Again, keep records of all your efforts. It’s important to show the court you did your best. Divorce laws demand you do the work.

    Related Reading: Pro Se Divorce: The DIY Method

    Service By Alternative Means

    If you find your spouse, great, proceed with your divorce as normal.

    But if they’re nowhere to be found, once you exhaust your options, no-fault divorce laws still allow you to move ahead.

    The next step is to serve your spouse by court-approved alternative means.

    It shows that you did the legwork and legitimately tried every possible option. The court must sign off on this measure, which is why it’s vital to document efforts to find your spouse, even if your search ultimately proves unsuccessful.

    There are a few different ways to serve your spouse in these cases:

    Service by Publication

    One of these alternatives is service by publication. More or less what it sounds like, service by publication means you release a public notice via an acceptable source. This most often takes the form of a news outlet, usually a local newspaper in the area where your spouse most likely lives. The summons usually must appear multiple times.

    Service by Posting

    Another common method is service by posting. In these cases, the court authorizes the display of the summons in a public area of the courthouse. Visible to as many people as possible, the goal is to make this document accessible to your spouse. This has an advantage over service by publication, as posting is usually free.

    Service by Mail

    In Oregon, the court may also require you to send a copy of the summons to your spouse’s last known address. If this information is seriously out of date, this may not be an option.

    Related Reading: How To File For Divorce In Oregon

    Motion For Default

    In most cases, alternative forms of service don’t yield significant results. But again, it shows you tried, and that’s the important part to the court. Once you do that, it’s finally time to move on.

    After 30 days, if you can’t find your spouse and they fail to respond to the published summons, you can apply for a Motion and Order Allowing Judgment by Default.

    This declares you did everything you could, but your spouse never materialized. By failing to respond, they are in default, and this document asks the court to grant a judgment in your favor.

    Now, even without your spouse’s direct involvement, the court is free to split any shared assets, rule on custody issues, and decide on any other matters.

    In most cases, if you’ve been apart for so long that you can’t find your spouse, there likely isn’t a ton to deal with. Still, it’s important to make everything official, especially if you’re looking to move on with your life.

    While not being able to find your spouse does complicate the divorce process, it is still possible to end your marriage and move forward.

    Related Reading: Jurisdiction And Divorce: Where You File Does Matter

  • Oregon Custody: The Best Interest Of The Child

    Key Takeaways:

    • The courts follow one overriding principle in custody cases: the best interests of the child.
    • “Best interests” means safety, stability, and well-being.
    • Oregon Statute 107.137 lays out the guidelines for determining the best interests of a child in custody cases.
    • The courts consider any relevant factors when making custody decisions.
    • Who the primary caregiver is carries a great deal of weight.
    • Children do not get to choose which parent they live with.
    • The overall aim is to support a child’s long-term welfare.

    When it comes to child custody, the courts follow one overriding principle: the best interest of the child.

    This phrase is used frequently when kids are involved. But what does it actually mean?

    While the answer may sound simple and obvious, as with most things in the realm, it’s not always straightforward.

    What Is The Best Interest Of The Child?

    At a basic level, the best interests of the child are precisely what the phrase suggests.

    Where is the safest, most stable, healthiest place for the child to live? Which parent has the strongest relationship with the child? Where are they best cared for?

    In some cases, this is easy to determine.

    If one parent has a steady job and a secure home, while the other has a long history of abuse and neglect, the choice is clear.

    In circumstances where both parents are loving, well-adjusted, and able to provide a dependable, wholesome environment, the best interests of the child are more difficult to define and determine.

    How do courts determine the best interests of a child?

    Oregon courts consider many factors when making this decision. In fact, they use just about anything they deem relevant. Because of this, almost everything is on the table. However, there are several common elements.

    These include:

    • The child’s age and gender.
    • Educational options and resources are available to each parent.
    • The stability of each parent’s home.
    • Income and economic resources of each parent.

    Far from an exhaustive list, these factors, or some combination of them, often play the most substantial roles.

    Related Reading: Common Child Support Questions Answered

    Can a Child Choose Where They Want to Live?

    Many people believe the courts allow children to choose where they want to live and with which parent. That’s not the case.

    A child’s direct input rarely sways the court’s decision one way or another.

    The child’s wishes can play a role, but it’s not the norm. Children’s voices can be heard if the court orders a custody evaluation or appoints a guardian ad litem to represent the child’s well-being.

    The older and more mature the child, and the more well-reasoned their argument, the more weight their input will likely carry.

    That said, this input only goes so far.

    Ultimately, the court bases its decision on what’s truly best for the child rather than the child’s preference or parental convenience. If their opinion is to sway things, it needs to be more substantial than “Dad won’t let me stay out late,” or “Mom hassles me to do my homework.” They must present compelling reasons for wanting to live with one parent over the other.

    Related Reading: Oregon Custody: Parenting Evaluations

    How are the Best Interests Of The Child Are Determined?

    As you might imagine, the law specifically lays out the guidelines for determining the best interests of a child in custody cases.

    Oregon Statute 107.137 reads:

    “In determining the best interests and welfare of the child, the court shall consider the following relevant factors:

    (a) The emotional ties between the child and other family members;

    (b) The interest of the parties in and attitude toward the child;

    (c) The desirability of continuing an existing relationship;

    (d) The abuse of one parent by the other;

    (e) The preference for the primary caregiver of the child, if the caregiver is deemed fit by the court; and

    (f) The willingness and ability of each parent to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing relationship between the other parent and the child. However, the court may not consider such willingness and ability if one parent shows that the other parent has sexually assaulted or engaged in a pattern of behavior of abuse against the parent or a child and that a continuing relationship with the other parent will endanger the health or safety of either parent or the child.”

    Related Reading: Fathers’ Rights And Child Custody

    What does this Statute Mean for Custody Cases?

    The statute goes on to examine the process in even closer detail. Under the law, the court won’t focus solely on one of the above factors.

    They can’t consider a parent’s disability unless it endangers the health or safety of the child.

    The court considers income, social environment, marital status, disability, or lifestyle, but “only if it is shown that any of these factors is causing or may cause emotional or physical damage to the child.”

    Custody won’t be awarded if one parent has been convicted of certain classifications of sexual assault. Being denied custody under this subsection does not remove that parent’s obligation to pay child support.

    Beyond these, the statute also clarifies one common misconception. Many believe mothers have a legal advantage, but from a purely letter-of-the-law standpoint, that’s not the case. As written, the law doesn’t favor one parent above the other.

    Child custody cases tend to become contentious as emotions flare and tempers run high. It’s often difficult for parents to navigate these issues while keeping a level head.

    Maintaining composure and control helps you make sound decisions, reach a custody agreement that serves the child’s best interests, and meet the needs of everyone involved, especially the kids.

    Related Reading: How Do Criminal Charges Affect Child Custody?

  • How is Debt Divided In Divorce In Oregon?

    Key Takeaways:

    • Oregon uses the equitable distribution model to divide assets and debts in divorce.
    • Equitable distribution does not mean you divide everything equally.
    • Debt acquired during the marriage is viewed as the responsibility of both spouses and is subject to division. This includes credit card balances, mortgages, car loans, and more.
    • The timing of debt can dictate divisibility. 
    • Divorce does not automatically remove your name from any debt. If your name remains on an account, you remain liable for that amount.

    When it comes to divorce, one of the first things that comes to mind is a couple splitting up their shared assets. Something people often fail to consider about divorce, however, is that it also divides shared debt.

    In Oregon, when it comes to dividing debt in a divorce, the general idea is for both spouses to emerge on a relatively equal footing and be able to enjoy a standard of living similar to what they had during the marriage.

    That’s a relatively broad statement, so let’s look into how that manifests in reality.

    Dividing Debt in Divorce

    When dividing debt and assets, Oregon uses the equitable distribution model.

    Equitable distribution is: “A legal principle under which assets and earnings acquired during marriage are divided equitably (fairly) at divorce.”

    No matter the name on the title, credit card, mortgage, auto financing, or business loan, Oregon presumes both spouses contributed to the acquisition. It’s then subject to division in a fair and equitable fashion.

    If you accrue substantial financial liabilities during a marriage, the court also views them as shared marital obligations. Basically, the law views assets and debts as belonging to both spouses.

    Related Reading: How Do Major Purchases Affect Divorce Proceedings?

    Does Equitable Distribution Mean Debt is Split Equally?

    This question comes up often, and the answer is no.

    It’s important to note that equitable distribution does not mean you divide everything equally. Assets and debts may be divided disproportionately depending on the unique factors of your case.

    You may wind up with a 40/60 split, but it’s also possible the court will determine a 50/50 division is fair.

    Ultimately, the debt division decision takes into account need, earning potential, and other factors. Exceptions to this include things like gifts or inheritances.

    Related Reading: How Is Property Divided?

    Dividing Debt Acquired During Marriage

    Types of debt acquired during marriage include credit card balances, mortgages, auto loans, business loans, and similar obligations, which are then distributed between spouses.

    No matter the name on the contract, Oregon presumes both spouses played a part in building that balance. Dividing debt in divorce is then subject to equitable division.

    Pre-Marital Debt

    While you will likely be on the hook for the debt your ex built up during the marriage, there’s good news when it comes to the pre-existing variety. Timing, however, is the key in this situation.

    If your ex rang up thousands of dollars worth of student loans before you tied the knot, that’s not your problem. The same goes for those massive credit card bills that still pop up.

    Debt Accrued During A Legal Separation

    For debt following a separation, but before a divorce is finalized, the waters muddy a bit.

    If the court considers necessities like electric bills and utilities, they may split them.

    However, if your ex goes on a lavish ski vacation or buys an expensive new car, that’s a different story altogether.

    Unexpected Debt

    If you buy a house or condo, finance a boat, or secure a car loan, you expect to deal with these debts. But what about surprises? What if your spouse acquired debt without your knowledge? It happens all the time. How is that divided in a divorce?

    Again, from a legal point of view, the court doesn’t generally care whose name appears on the paperwork.

    If your ex obtains a credit card behind your back, runs up an astronomical bill, it will still likely be a joint obligation. Generally speaking, if it’s amassed during your marriage, you have to deal with it. At least in part.

    As with most areas of divorce, dealing with debt gets twisted in a hurry. In shorter marriages, things may be straightforward, but the longer a union lasts, the more intertwined lives become, and the more complex matters get.

    Financial Agreements and Loans

    Do creditors have to abide by the divorce decree? No. And this fact can have a serious impact.

    In short, divorce doesn’t automatically remove you from any loans, debts, or financial obligations.

    If your name remains on a home loan, credit card bill, car loan, or similar contracts, you remain liable for those debts. Even if the divorce agreement gives them to your ex.

    So, you go through the process and divide all of your shared debts. Say the court gives your ex the car you financed as a couple, along with the monthly payment. If your ex fails to make those payments, it may come back on you.

    Family courts have no jurisdiction to alter agreements with creditors; those stay in place. The divorce settlement can assign debt and require your ex to pay a balance. But that doesn’t take your name off the paperwork.

    Part of the divorce decree can include stipulations, such as that your ex must refinance a home loan within a certain period to remove your name. Still, that doesn’t always happen.

    It’s important to stay on top of things like that to make sure nothing comes back to bite you. This can impact your credit, among other things. If creditors come after you, you may wind up having to pay off the debt and then sue your ex for restitution.

    While people often think of dividing assets in a divorce, splitting up debt sneaks up on many people. It’s important to be aware that this is coming, what to expect, and how to deal with it.

    Related Reading: How is a Business Divided During A Divorce? Can You Protect It?

  • Does Oregon Practice Common-Law Marriage?

    Key Takeaways:

    • Common-law marriage means that after living together for many years, the law automatically recognizes the partners as married. 
    • You can’t create a common-law marriage in Oregon, but it does recognize common-law marriages from other states if the couple meets that state’s requirements.
    • Oregon does have Registered Domestic Partnerships, per the Oregon Family Fairness Act.
    • You must file a Declaration of Oregon Registered Domestic Partnership form; the union does not happen automatically.
    • Since the OFFA is specific to couples in Oregon, it does not recognize domestic partnerships or civil unions from other states.
    • If you have kids, the court considers child custody, child support, visitation, and other concerns the same way, whether you are married or not.
    • Unmarried fathers have the same rights as long as paternity has been established.

    A lot goes into a relationship between two people. Navigating interpersonal affairs often resembles a high-wire act. At a basic level, however, marriage is relatively simple. You either are, or you aren’t, right?

    People toss the term common-law marriage around quite a bit, so it begs the question: Does Oregon have common-law marriage?

    What Is Common-Law Marriage?

    In a broad sense, the term common-law marriage means that after living together for many years without officially marrying, the law recognizes the partners as married. Practically, how it works is usually more complicated than that, but those are the basics.

    It’s a kind of de facto marriage or marriage by default. A couple shares bank accounts, often has kids, and generally view each other as spouses.

    How common-law marriage works also varies from place to place. In reality, it’s only a factor in a limited number of locations and a handful of states.

    Does Oregon Have Common-Law Marriage?

    The short answer is no, Oregon doesn’t have common-law marriage. With so many misconceptions about the concept, Oregon keeps it simple. You can’t create a common-law marriage here.

    However, the state does acknowledge those from other places. According to the Oregon State Bar:

    “[I]f a couple is from a state that acknowledges common-law marriages, and the couple meets the requirements of common-law marriage of that state, then the state of Oregon will recognize the marriage of that state as valid in Oregon.”

    Registered Domestic Partnerships

    While Oregon doesn’t recognize common-law marriage, it does have Registered Domestic Partnerships under the Oregon Family Fairness Act.

    A registered domestic partnership is: “a civil contract entered into between two individuals who are at least 18 years of age, who are otherwise capable and at least one of whom is a resident of Oregon.” (Oregon Revised Statute 106.310).

    You must complete a Declaration of Oregon Registered Domestic Partnership form. These forms can be filed at any county clerk’s office in Oregon. They must be signed in front of a notary. The filing fee is $60, but some counties charge notary fees.

    Since the Oregon Family Fairness Act applies specifically to domestic partnerships registered in Oregon, it does not recognize them from other states, unlike common-law marriages. Oregon does not acknowledge civil unions from other states either.

    Form Instructions: Completing the Domestic Partnership Form
    Form: Oregon Registered Domestic Partnership Form

    Rights of Unmarried and Unregistered Partners

    Cohabitation without filing paperwork with the government happens more frequently now than ever. Couples live together, mix finances, buy homes, have children, and for all intents and purposes, act as if they were married.

    But unless you have a common-law marriage from another state, unregistered partnerships in Oregon aren’t protected by the same laws when it comes to dividing property.

    In general, each partner generally retains their own property. Except in cases where you intentionally commingle assets. The law views jointly owned property as belonging equally to both parties.

    You do have the option to ask the court to divide assets, though it’s a complicated, roundabout legal process.

    In most cases, you should reserve this for major purchases, such as houses or cars. It’s probably well worth it just to buy new furniture.

    However, if your name isn’t on something, things become tricky. When your name doesn’t appear on, say, the title of a car, you need to show that the intent was to share.

    Spousal support is one element that doesn’t factor into long-term relationships. Again, unless there’s a pre-existing common-law marriage, this isn’t an option. You neither pay nor receive alimony in the case of a break-up.

    This is also an evolving field, and Oregon has an ever-growing body of domestic partnership law. A common interpretation of this concept holds that all property is in play when determining an equitable split. While they can’t divide retirement plans, some judges compensate in other ways. We’re seeing more cases like this regularly, and it’s becoming more like divorce than ever.

    Do You Have Custody Rights if You Were Never Officially Married?

    The rights and obligations of parents don’t change due to marital status. Wed or not, that doesn’t impact the matter.

    If you have kids, the court considers child custody, child support, visitation, and other concerns the same way, regardless of whether the parents are married.

    Biological and adoptive parents retain the same parental rights whether there’s a ring on that finger, a common-law marriage, a domestic partnership, or no relationship at all.

    You pursue custody and visitation through identical legal channels. Depending on the situation, you may either pay or receive child support. All of the usual things that play a role in divorce and custody battles also apply to unmarried parents.

    Related Reading: What Are A Father’s Rights? (Whether Married or Unmarried)

  • How Do You Ask For A Divorce?

    Marriage isn’t always sunshine and puppy dogs. It takes a lot of work, time, effort, and struggle. And still, it doesn’t always work out. Try with all your might, sometimes you can’t make a marriage work. But when it’s time to pull the plug, you face one massive obstacle: how do you ask for a divorce?

    This is an uncomfortable conversation, but an important first step. In reality, asking for divorce represents a talk you simultaneously do and don’t want to have.

    You’re after the end result, which will, ideally, leave you in a better situation. But it’s still not a discussion most people look forward to.

    By the time you reach the point where you’re ready to ask for a divorce, it’s safe to say your marriage has serious problems. In many cases, your spouse likely noticed these as well. But that doesn’t mean this is an easy exchange.

    This post looks at common dos and don’ts of asking for a divorce with an emphasis on thoughtfulness, honesty, and preparation. Key points include choosing the right time and place for this talk, how to avoid distractions, and being calm but resolute in your approach.

    Taking the time to lay the groundwork makes things easier and sets the stage for a healthier future for everyone.

    Related Reading: How Long Does Divorce Take?

    The Do’s And Don’ts of Asking For A Divorce

    This is a sensitive, emotional topic, and not one to take lightly. Divorce permanently changes almost every aspect of your life in one dramatic shift. Your current and future financial picture, living situation, and how much time you spend with your kids. All of those and more take a hit.

    A single conversation often sets the tone for the process that follows. It’s vital to handle things the right way to ensure you emerge on sound footing.

    Your spouse may be on the same page. Then again, news that you want a divorce may come as a complete and utter shock. Whether things proceed amicably or devolve into a legal fistfight, it often starts here.

    With that in mind, here is a list of things to consider when you ask for a divorce.

    Related Reading: How Jurisdiction Affects Divorce

    Pick The Right Time and Place

    There may not be a “right” time to ask for a divorce. It’s never going to be easy or clean or fun. Still, it’s important to account for a number of things when deciding when and where to bring up the topic.

    • Do it in person. This isn’t something to do via text message or email. You have to do this face-to-face. No one said it will be easy, but you owe your spouse at least that much.
    • Make sure you have the time and space. Unless you have an incredibly unique situation, this isn’t likely a quick conversation. Choose a time when neither of you has someplace to be immediately afterward. Send the kids to a friend or relative’s house. Take care of potential interruptions ahead of time. It may take a while, and it may get emotional. No situation is ever ideal, but choose an opportune moment to have a real, in-depth conversation.

    Related Reading: What are the Grounds for Divorce in Oregon?

    Don’t Tell The World About Your Divorce First

    By the time you’re ready to ask for a divorce, you’ve probably bounced the idea off of close friends and family. That’s understandable. It’s important to talk through major decisions like this. But there’s a line.

    • Don’t broadcast your decision to the world before you talk to your spouse.
    • Don’t get tipsy at a party and tell everyone you’re filing for divorce.
    • And for the love of god, don’t drop hints about divorce on social media.

    You can let everyone know about it later, but it’s important to talk with your spouse first. Otherwise, it can lead to hurt feelings and bitterness that often manifest later in the process. It can also come back to damage your case in court.

    Related Reading: When to Hire a Divorce Lawyer

    Be Calm But Direct With Your Spouse

    This represents an emotional moment for everyone involved. Few things rile people up like divorce. Your spouse may get angry or defensive, but keep an even keel and behave in a rational manner.

    Some experts suggest avoiding “I” statements, so it doesn’t feel like a personal attack or accusation. Instead, they recommend using “we” statements, like “we don’t communicate anymore” or “we don’t get along with each other.”

    While it’s vital to remain calm, it’s also key to be firm. In reality, you don’t actually ask for a divorce. What you’re doing is saying, “I want a divorce.”

    Oregon practices no-fault divorce, so neither party can prevent the other from ending a marriage. The courts will grant you your divorce regardless of whether your spouse agrees or not.

    Still, the process requires some degree of cooperation, or at least the ability to work together. Especially when you have kids or complicated estates to divide.

    Related Reading: Common Financial Mistakes in Divorce

    Consider Your Spouse’s Reaction

    You know your spouse, likely better than you know anyone else in the world. At this stage, you can probably anticipate the coming reaction. Will it be a shock or a shrug? Are you in for a screaming match or a calm, rational conversation?

    Whatever you anticipate, prepare for that. If all you do is fight lately, you may be in for a doozy. Then again, maybe you expect them to be on the same page.

    Even if you think you know what’s coming, prepare for other potential outcomes. Though it may not come as a shock, hearing the words often stirs up all kinds of emotions. People don’t always behave as expected, so also prepare for surprises. Once you’re ready for any reaction by your spouse, good or bad, then have the conversation.

    Related Reading: Breaking Down Divorce by Generation

    Plan for the Future

    In most cases, you don’t want to ask for a divorce and immediately start talking details. There are sure to be some situations like that, but for the most part, everyone probably needs time to decompress and cope. That said, you should at least give some thought to what comes next.

    • Take stock of your finances.
    • Know what you have in savings, where you owe money, and how your economic situation looks.
    • If you have children, consider what you want the parenting plan to look like. Do you want full custody, or is regular visitation more in line with your situation?
    • Think about what you want in the settlement, if you want to push for spousal support, and other issues.

    You don’t necessarily have to have a set-in-stone plan, but it’s good to at least give it some thought. This is also a perfect time to consider whether or not you need to hire a divorce lawyer. It’s also a great idea to get your finances in order.

    Related Reading: Is Oregon a Community Property State?

    Shut the Door

    If you’ve made up your mind, if you’re 100% certain that divorce is the right choice, shut the door. It’s one thing to bring up the topic of divorce, to put it out there as an option.

    But if you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your marriage is over, be decisive. Be clear, be concise, and don’t leave lingering possibilities. If there’s no chance, make that clear.

    It’s not easy to ask for a divorce. Even though you believe it’s necessary, neither party will come out of this conversation feeling wonderful. You may feel relief, but you probably won’t want to celebrate.

    It’s important to prepare for all eventualities. Even if the writing’s on the wall, this move may come as a shock. Carefully consider what you say, when you say it, and how. This isn’t an easy decision, but if your marriage is truly beyond saving, it’s likely for the best for both of you.

    There’s much more to consider along the way, but hopefully, this gives you a starting point.

    Related Reading: How To Get Divorced In Oregon: Step By Step

  • Can Your Ex Stop Your Kids From Playing Sports?

    You probably noticed, but kids today are busier than ever before. Cluttered with extracurricular activities, social engagements, and more, it seems like they’re always running to what’s next.

    Sports often play a big part in this. They can be hugely beneficial: they’re a way to get exercise, make friends, learn teamwork, and develop other skills. In many situations, they’re so important that they factor into parenting plans after divorce.

    Can an ex prevent your kids from playing sports?

    In this discussion, we use sports as an example, but it can be any activity. Sports are common, but we could also be talking about martial arts, drama or musical performances, robotics club, or other endeavors.

    Youth sports come with their own baggage, like the ongoing discussion over potential injury, but similar regulations apply no matter the pastime.

    Objections to Playing Sports

    There are many legitimate reasons why parents may not want their kids to play sports. Maybe they believe it’s too dangerous or the possibility of injury is too high. This is a concern in all sports, but especially in high-contact games, like football.

    Perhaps one parent feels the kids are too young or that it will distract them from schoolwork.

    It may be as simple as one parent doesn’t want to schlep across town for practice multiple nights a week.

    Some reasons are compelling, while others aren’t as persuasive. But it varies from one situation to the next.

    Related Reading: Child Custody and the Best Interests of the Child

    high school baseball player

    Can Sports Be a Part of Parenting Plans?

    Ultimately, it’s up to the parents to decide whether or not to allow their children to play sports.

    Ideally, in making this decision, the parents truly consider the child’s best interests. You have to weigh factors like safety, whether they’re passionate about it, and so much more.

    In a perfect situation, both parents discuss the matter and come to an agreement that works for everyone. But that doesn’t always happen.

    For example, if your daughter plays soccer but your ex prevents her from going to games during visitation weekends, what can you do?

    In some cases, a parenting plan comes into play. This official court order establishes the custody arrangement after a divorce or break-up. These documents contain many things and often include a child’s activities.

    If an activity is important to your child, you can actually write it into the parenting plan.

    Sports often fall into this category. In this instance, if your ex attempts to stop your child from playing sports, you have legal recourse.

    Once you establish a valid parenting plan, both you and your ex must legally abide by the terms. Neither parent can decide one day to stop following the plan without repercussions. If the violation continues, you may even have a contempt case. That’s the extreme end of the spectrum, but it’s possible.

    There are caveats to this, of course. To write a specific sport into a parenting plan, you have to know your child has an interest. It’s one thing if your high school-aged son plays high-level AAU basketball or is an Olympic-hopeful figure skater. That you know to plan for, it’s another if your elementary school child maybe wants to play tee-ball down the road.

    Related Reading: Enforcing a Parenting Plan

    Contempt

    As we said, if your ex refuses to play ball, so to speak, and abide by the parenting plan, you may have a case for contempt. There are legal outlets to enforce the stipulations of your parenting plan.

    Different counties in Oregon have different regulations and procedures for enforcement proceedings, so it’s important to know the specific laws where you live.

    This type of legal action is serious, so it shouldn’t be undertaken lightly. It’s not for use if your ex makes your son miss a baseball game once. This is more of a last resort when you run out of other options.

    Sometimes, even the threat of legal action can be enough to convince the other parent to adhere to the rules going forward.

    Related Reading: What Happens After the Court Appoints a Guardian Ad Litem?

    Can You Change the Parenting Plan?

    If it becomes clear that one or both parents can no longer stick to the terms, it is possible to modify a parenting plan.

    Be warned, like most court orders, once in place, these are difficult to change. It’s often a long, expensive process. The best way is to make sure the original document is something everyone can live with for the long haul.

    In Oregon, you must file a Motion Requesting Modification. There’s more to it, but at a basic level, you’ll have to show a significant change in circumstances.

    Beyond that, you need to demonstrate that this move represents the child’s best interests. Even then, the court still may not grant the modification.

    When deciding whether or not to modify a parenting plan, the courts account for many variables:

    • If both parents agree to the alterations.
    • When there’s been a substantial change in circumstances from the original plan.
    • If the child is in harm’s way.
    • If the other parent refuses to follow the agreement or has been found in contempt.

    A judge may consider these and other factors.

    Ideally, if your ex tries to stop your child from participating in sports or any court-approved activity, it won’t require legal action. The best way to decide the fate of your child playing sports is for both parents to have a rational, adult conversation. In cases of divorce and custody, however, that’s often easier said than done.

    Related Reading: 5 Important Things Your Kids Can Learn From Playing Fantasy Sports

  • How Do You Find the Best Child Custody Lawyer?

    How do you find the best child custody lawyer? This is a big question.

    Few things get us as riled up as our kids. That’s a big reason why custody cases so often become intense and antagonistic.

    We want to fight for what’s best for our children. To ensure this, it usually benefits you to enlist the help of an attorney. But how do you find a child custody lawyer, and what does that even mean?

    Choosing The Best Child Custody Lawyer:

    Firstly, what constitutes the “best child custody lawyer” varies from case to case.

    The ideal match for one person’s personality and circumstances may not be a perfect fit for another. In reality, it’s a matter of finding the best fit for you and your specific situation.

    While there’s no universal roadmap to finding the best custody attorney, there are qualities to consider in your search.

    1. Similar Case Experience

    If you’re looking for the best child custody lawyer for you, one key component is experience in similar cases. Look for an attorney with skills in the areas your circumstances require.

      • Will your case be complex and high-conflict?
      • Does your child have special needs?
      • Is there an interstate element or a jurisdiction issue to take into account?

    Whatever the particulars, ensure that whoever you hire has the necessary background to handle them.

    Related Reading: How Mental Illness Impacts Child Custody Disputes

    2. Specialization in Custody Cases

    Like experience, specialization is also something to look for when trying to find the best child custody lawyer to represent you.

    Custody attorneys all practice family law, but not all family law practitioners are custody attorneys.

    Many are well-versed in multiple areas, but if an attorney is more interested in high-asset divorces, they may not be the right choice.

    Do your homework and ensure the skill set aligns with your specific needs.

    Related Reading: How Legal Marijuana Use Affects Custody Cases

    3. Knowledge of Jurisdiction Laws

    Laws and regulations vary significantly from one state to the next.

    The best child custody lawyer for your situation is one with in-depth knowledge of the local rules. Or at least where the case will be handled—the two are not always the same.

    In Oregon, it makes sense to hire an attorney who is familiar with the intricacies of Oregon law and knows how to strive for an optimal outcome. However, if the case is heard elsewhere, it often serves your interests to find someone in that area.

    Related Reading: What Is The UCCJA? A Look At The Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Act

    4. Accessibility

    In addition to knowing the laws, a local attorney may be the best child custody lawyer for your case for other reasons.

    Accessibility is important. Not only when it comes to being available to answer questions, but also in simple logistics. If you live in Eugene, it will be more challenging to meet with an attorney in Portland. Technological tools have made this easier in many cases, but it’s something to be aware of.

      • It’s much easier to meet without having to take a whole day off work or travel a great distance.
      • Local representation may also make an attorney easier to vet—perhaps a friend can refer you, or the regional bar association has recommendations.
      • Attorneys operating in a specific geographical area often also have established relationships with judges, courthouse staff, and others that can prove beneficial.

    Related Reading: Third-Party Custody Cases

    5. Communication

    This is someone you have to communicate with, but they also need to speak on your behalf with the opposing party, judges, other lawyers, and your spouse.

    They may also need to communicate with people who work outside of family law, such as accountants and other experts. Skills in this area are understandably critical.

    Whoever you hire is also a person you have to spend time with and work with.

    Ensuring you’re comfortable with them, confident in their abilities, and able to accurately communicate what you need is key. You’ll likely experience more than enough conflict; avoiding strife with your lawyer makes everyone’s life easier.

    Related Reading: What Happens When the Court Appoints a Guardian Ad Litem

    6. Consideration of Your Financial Resources

    No surprise, hiring an attorney tends to be quite expensive.

    Considering your financial resources and what you can and cannot spend is essential in determining the best child custody lawyer for you.

    Knowing upfront how an attorney handles billing helps you manage expenses and maintain realistic expectations of the cost.

    Related Reading: Can the Custodial Parent Relocate With Your Child?

    7. Compassion

    Divorce and cases involving kids and guardianship are intense, emotional times. The best child custody lawyer for you may be one who knows this and understands what’s at stake for your family.

    You don’t necessarily need someone to hold your hand every step of the way. Hire a therapist or lean on family and friends for that. You do, however, want to find someone with whom you can work on a practical level towards a common goal. And a little compassion never hurt anyone.

    Hiring the best child custody lawyer for your case is one of the most important decisions you may ever make. It can have a significant impact on your hearing and your life moving forward. This is why it’s essential to invest the time and effort to ensure your attorney is the right fit for you, your family, and your specific situation.

    Related Reading: Best Interest Of The Child

  • Do Step-Parents’ Have Rights in Oregon?

    As common as divorce and remarriage are, the topic of step-parents comes up often in cases that involve children. More specifically, questions about step-parents’ rights and responsibilities frequently arise.

    Step-parents often form deep emotional bonds with children who aren’t biologically theirs. It can be devastating to lose these. Children face similar trauma, having developed a connection with an adult even though they may not be related by blood.

    Unfortunately, this happens all too frequently.

    Step-Parents and Child Custody

    In most cases, ending a marriage with the children’s parent usually means ending the relationship with the kids. That’s the unfortunate reality of this situation in most cases. The situation does change slightly if you adopted the child as your own, but still, it’s a tough row to hoe.

    When deciding on custody, the courts put the best interests of the child above other concerns.

    Unless there are extenuating circumstances, that usually means keeping the kids with the biological parent.

    Related Reading: How Criminal Charges Impact Custody

    Continuing Relationships

    Just because you get a divorce, that doesn’t necessarily mean step-parents can’t have a continuing relationship with the children. Again, this depends on the particular situation, especially the people involved and the nature of the relationship.

    There are two common potential avenues:

    • Visitation: Visitation is frequently the most realistic way to continue a relationship with a stepchild after divorce.
    • Custody: Custody does remain an option, but is not often a realistic one for step-parents.

    Seeking custody of a child is difficult for anyone, especially if you’re not a non-biological parent. This includes step-parents, grandparents, and other members of the extended family. For this to happen, the court generally requires sufficient justification that they’re protecting the child’s health and well-being.

    Related Reading: Finding the Best Child Custody Lawyer

    Difference Between Custody and Visitation

    With these two potential avenues, it’s important to know the distinction between custody and visitation. They’re very different things, and the court approaches each with many factors in mind.

    Legal custody means that the guardian—usually a biological parent—has the right to make decisions for the child. These decisions cover all facets of their life. Where to go to school, which doctors to see, what religion they practice, and everything else falls to this person. If it involves maintaining a child’s well-being, it’s the guardian’s responsibility.

    Legal visitation, on the other hand, means the court grants the noncustodial parent permission to spend time with the child. This can be either supervised or unsupervised, depending on the case. Visitation gives access to the child but doesn’t impart any decision-making authority as it does with custody.

    Again, when making decisions about a child, the courts use the best interests of the child as a baseline. This includes decisions about both custody and visitation.

    In cases of biological parents, in most situations, the court views keeping both parents a part of the child’s life as in their best interests. Exceptions include cases of abuse or neglect, drug use, or when the child’s safety may be in question.

    Related Reading: Oregon Custody: Parenting Evaluations

    Step-Parents’ Rights

    When making decisions on custody and visitation, the court considers many things. They account for established relationships, the potential benefits or drawbacks of a continuing relationship, any history of abuse, and the fitness of the people involved. This goes for biological parents, but also for step-parents.

    A continuing relationship can benefit both you and a child. Step-parents invest time, love, energy, and financial resources into building stable, caring bonds with step-children. These are meaningful to all the people involved. When faced with divorce, the potential loss of this connection can be devastating. To both parent and child.

    Odds are, the courts will leave the decision whether or not the child can see you up to the custodial parent. If you’re antagonistic and can’t communicate without fighting, that doesn’t bode well.

    If you have questions about your rights as a step-parent and the potential to remain in your step-child’s life, it’s probably in your best interest to speak to an experienced custody lawyer. They can address the specifics of your situation, give you an idea of your options, and tell you whether or not you even have a case.

    Related Reading: Unmarried Parents’ Rights

  • Do Long-Term Marriages Complicate the Divorce Process?

    Over the course of a marriage, two lives become intertwined. The longer the marriage, the more interwoven they become. Like others, long-term marriages end for a variety of reasons. As the years go by, however, unique divorce issues arise. What should you look out for?

    Shorter marriages are understandably usually much more straightforward when it comes to divorce. In the case of ending longer marriages, it’s much more complex as there’s often a great deal to unravel.

    How Do Long-Term Marriages Affect Divorce?

    As we said, people end long-term marriages for countless reasons. Gray divorce, divorce over the age of 50, has been on the rise over recent decades as people live longer, healthier, more active lives well into their later years. Though that’s often the case, it’s not only older couples divorcing after lengthy unions.

    What is considered a long-term marriage in Oregon?

    The decade mark is usually the line for what many consider a long-term marriage. 
    Ending a long-term marriage often becomes a complicated endeavor. If you plan to divorce after being married for more than ten years, multiple issues need special attention. 

    There’s less of a social stigma attached to divorce than in earlier eras. With improved education and employment opportunities across the board, people are less likely to stay in a broken, unhealthy, unsatisfying marriages than in previous generations.

    Some couples stay together for the sake of children. But once the kids grow up and move out, you have fewer reasons to maintain the status quo.

    Related Reading: Is Your Business A Divisible Asset? How To Protect Your Business During A Divorce

    Division of Property in Long-Term Marriages

    In shorter situations, it’s often relatively simple for a couple to split up their property in a divorce. Couples divide what they have, if they have anything, and go on about their business. But for long-term marriages, this is often much more difficult.

    Oregon practices equitable distribution. This means the state views the property as belonging to the spouse who acquired it. In long-term marriages, however, the lines of ownership often tend to blur.

    The longer the relationship, the more tangled things become.

    The goal of the division of property in a divorce is for each party to emerge on a relatively even financial footing. Ideally, both spouses will be able to enjoy a lifestyle similar to that experienced while married.

    In long-term marriages, this often takes a great deal of work between the spouses, with mediators, or even in court.

    Related Reading: How is Debt Divided?

    Spousal Support

    Child support follows a strict equation. On the other hand, spousal support is usually less formulaic. Many variables come into play when settling on a number.

    Among other things, the courts consider:

    • The health of both spouses.
    • Future earning potential of each party.
    • Amount of shared debt.
    • Length of the marriage.
    • Whether one spouse supported the other.

    As the division of property, the goal of spousal support is to position the supported spouse as close as possible to the standard of living experienced during the marriage.

    In many cases, especially in longer marriages, spousal support payments continue indefinitely. Things like remarriage can impact this, but it varies from case to case.

    Related Reading: Spousal Support in Oregon: What You Should Know

    Long-Term Marriages and Retirement

    As we get older, we tend to give more and more thought to retirement. Many people have an IRA, 401(k), military pension, or other retirement benefits.

    It’s important to account for all of these because they are all on the block to be divided in a divorce. How much depends on a variety of factors. In the case of long-term marriages, it can be a hefty chunk.

    Divorce may have a substantial impact on any retirement plans you’ve made. In some cases, people wind up working much longer than they originally intended. Many often stay at jobs or at least have to find other work after dividing retirement benefits.

    Social Security is also something to consider in long-term marriages, and the length has a huge impact here. If your marriage lasted at least ten years, you can receive Social Security benefits based on your ex’s work history.

    If you are older than 62 and currently unmarried, you also qualify. This is most common in cases where one spouse earned significantly more than the other.

    With so many factors in play, it’s likely in your best interest to consult a divorce attorney or a financial professional.

    Related Reading: How are Social Security Benefits Divided in a Divorce?

    Living Arrangements

    One of the biggest changes many experience after a divorce following a long-term marriage is finding a new living situation. Ideally, this represents a positive shift, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be weird.

    After years of cohabitating with another person, living on your own takes some getting used to. There are also other potential adjustments beyond that.

    When you and your spouse owned a home together, odds are, one of you will have to move out. If you haven’t already.

    If you wind up in possession of the house, it may be the first time you have to pay the mortgage entirely on your own. Or bills. Or taxes. This has a huge impact on your financial situation. In many cases, divorcing couples wind up selling their marital home.

    Related Reading: Whether or Not to Sell Your Home During a Divorce

    Altered Family Dynamics

    Divorce after long-term marriages often alters the entire family landscape.

    Even if your kids are grown, live their own lives, and have families of their own, things change drastically. When adult children are involved, there’s no back and forth about custody, child support, visitation, and family weekend trips to Crater Lake. But holidays, birthdays, and family gatherings likely won’t ever look quite the same.

    Though you won’t need an actual parenting plan or visitation schedule, you may wind up with something similar.

    You and your ex may split key holiday celebrations with the kids and grandkids, almost like shared custody. In amicable splits, sometimes divorced parents can still be in the room with each other, but that’s not the norm.

    The longer a marriage, the more your lives become intertwined. The flip side of that is it becomes much more difficult to untangle them in a divorce.

    Even in low-conflict divorces, be aware of several unique legal and financial complications. These are just a few potential hurdles you may face.

    As in most divorces, hiring an attorney is likely in your best interest. An experienced divorce lawyer can help guide you through the treacherous waters toward an optimal outcome.

    Related Reading: Breaking Down Divorce Rates By Generation